Finding Balance: Embracing Boundaries and Self-Care in Motherhood…after 40
KaTia Goudeau • January 7, 2025
As I navigate the journey of motherhood again after 40, I find myself reflecting on the many layers of life that shape our experiences. It’s a beautiful but often overwhelming time, filled with joy, sleepless nights, and a whirlwind of emotions. This new chapter has prompted me to think deeply about boundaries—those essential lines we draw to protect our well-being—and the importance of choosing ourselves, especially when it comes to the relationships we nurture.
Boundaries are not just about saying “no” or creating distance; they are a profound expression of self-love and respect. They help us define what is acceptable and what isn’t in our interactions with others. As a new mother, my time and energy are precious commodities, and I’ve come to realize that I must guard them fiercely. Setting boundaries allows me to create a safe space for myself and my family, enabling me to be the best version of myself for myself, my husband and my children.
In the past, I may have been too accommodating, bending over backward to please others—friends, family, or even acquaintances. But I’ve learned that when we allow ourselves to be mistreated or taken for granted, we not only diminish our self-worth but also risk our mental and emotional health. It’s vital to recognize when a relationship is draining rather than uplifting, and to have the courage to walk away from those that no longer serve us.
Ending relationships with people who mistreat us can be one of the most challenging yet liberating decisions we can make. It’s not easy to say goodbye to people we’ve known for a long time, that we love so much or to let go of relationships that once brought joy. However, it’s crucial to remember that we have the right to prioritize our happiness and mental health.
In my journey as a new mother (again)I’ve encountered moments of doubt and insecurity, amplified by the pressures of parenting. The last thing I need is negativity from those around me. Surrounding myself with supportive, loving individuals who uplift me is essential. It’s about creating a nurturing environment for my children and myself. By choosing to step away from toxic relationships, I’m not only reclaiming my peace but also setting an example for my little ones about the importance of self-respect and healthy interactions.
Becoming a mother again at 40 is a unique experience, filled with its own set of challenges and rewards. Physically, my body feels different, and the demands of caring for a newborn can be daunting. Mentally, I’m constantly juggling the needs of my children, my own well-being, my husband’s needs and the other relationships in my life. Emotionally, there are highs and lows that come with the territory, including the joy of new beginnings coupled with the nostalgia of raising older children.
As I embrace this journey, I’ve come to understand that choosing myself isn’t selfish; it’s essential. It means recognizing my limits, asking for help when needed, and being unapologetic about my needs. It’s about carving out time for self-care, whether that’s a quiet moment with a book, a gym trip, a grocery store run ALONE (lol) or simply enjoying a shower without interruptions.
In the end, the journey of motherhood and the process of choosing ourselves is deeply intertwined. By establishing boundaries and letting go of relationships that no longer benefit us, we open up space for growth, love, and happiness. As I navigate this new chapter in my life, I’m committed to honoring my journey, embracing my boundaries, and surrounding myself with positivity and love. After all, choosing ourselves is the most empowering decision we can make, not just for our own sake but for the sake of those we love.
Self...ish'
As a 41-year-old Black woman, I’ve had my fair share of encounters with grown-up mean girls, jealous women, and fake friends. These experiences have shaped me, taught me valuable lessons, and, at times, left me questioning the complexities of female relationships. Let’s talk about it. When we think of “mean girls,” our minds often drift to high school hallways, cliques, and petty drama. But the truth is, mean girls don’t disappear after graduation—they grow up. They just get older. They become coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances, and sometimes even friends and family. The tactics may evolve, but the underlying behaviors—jealousy, manipulation, and passive-aggressiveness—remain the same. As adults, mean girls often wear a mask. They’ve mastered the art of hiding. Instead of outright insults, they might backhandedly compliment you while subtly pointing out how it “wouldn’t work for them.” They might exclude you from group plans but act shocked when you mention feeling left out. Or they may smile in your face while gossiping about you behind your back. I’ve learned that grown-up mean girls thrive on comparison. They measure their worth against yours, and if you’re doing well—whether it’s in your career, relationships, or personal growth—they’ll find a way to try and dim your light. It’s not about you; it’s about their insecurities. But that doesn’t make it any less exhausting to deal with. Jealousy is a common thread in these dynamics. As a Black woman, I’ve noticed that jealousy can sometimes manifest in ways that feel racially charged. Whether it’s assumptions about my confidence being “intimidating” or comments about my hair, style, or achievements being “extra,” the undertones are hard to ignore. It’s a reminder that even in adulthood, some women still struggle to celebrate others’ successes without feeling threatened. I’ve had moments where I’ve downplayed my accomplishments to make others feel comfortable, only to realize that it’s not my responsibility to shrink myself. If someone can’t handle your shine, that’s their issue, not yours. One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is how to spot a fake friend. These are the women who are there for the good times but disappear when you need support. They’re quick to ask for favors and prayers but are slow to return them. They’ll cheer you on publicly but privately resent your progress. Setting boundaries has been crucial for my peace of mind. I’ve had to distance myself from people who drain my energy or bring negativity into my life. It’s not always easy, especially when you’ve invested time and emotions into a relationship, but your mental health is worth it. So, how do you navigate this world of grown-up mean girls? Here’s what I’ve learned: 1. Know Your Worth: Your value isn’t determined by anyone else’s opinions or actions. Surround yourself with people who uplift and celebrate you. 2. Don’t Engage in the Drama: Mean girls feed off reactions. The less you engage, the less power they have. 3. Be Selective with Your Energy: Not everyone deserves access to your time, energy, or vulnerability. Protect your peace. 4. Celebrate Other Women: Break the cycle by being the kind of woman who supports and uplifts others. Your kindness can inspire change. 5. Forgive, But Don’t Forget: Holding onto anger only hurts you. Forgive for your own peace, but don’t forget the lessons learned.
Finally I'm back! Where have I been? How do I drop a blog and online store and just dip? Selfish, right? Unprofessional? Many words come to mind. Some I was told and some I told myself. Truth is, it was super easy, having a million things going on. When I first started this journey I was ready! It was something I've wanted for years and it was finally happening. Then boom. I found myself not even wanting to or having the energy to write. So let me rewind to about 2 weeks before I dropped my first blog post. My now husband, proposed to me! Super exciting right?! If you are close to me or read my last blog post then you know I have been through some stuff. So along with the excitement of my new blog, I also had a new fiance'! In addition to me being mom to my 3 kiddos, I now had to begin wedding plans. All of that while maintaining a part time bartending job..selling party drinks...bartending private events...personal training clients and now managing my online tshirt store (attached to this blog), as well as a few things Im working on with my husband.To say the least it was ALOT going on! With each hat I had to wear or task that needed to be done, there were things that came with it. Kids and their extracurricular activities, work and businesses with new business start up kinks and now a wedding to plan. Sheesh. So let's talk about this wedding stuff for a sec. We decided that a long engagement wasn't for us because we wanted to get our life together started ASAP. We were ready to travel, move together..start having babies and everything else newlyweds do. So February 22,2019 would be the day that we say " I do" .That left us with about 2 months and 1 week to plan!!Eeek..no pressure right? It's actually alot of pressure. I couldn't be engaged 24 hours before I had people asking questions. "When is the wedding? Where are ya'll getting married? What's your colors? When are you going dress shopping?" When..?Where..?How..???My head was already hurting and I hadn't even released my blog that I'd been working on for the past few months! I didnt have a chance yet to wrap my head around being engaged...my ring...marrying AGAIN..my kids. All of that , before I could start to even think about the details of that day. Being a true cancer I started going into my shell. I had to protect myself from letting people drive me nuts. During this time I learned that people will nag, bother, worry and harrass the hell out of you...about your day. At the end of the day, we just wanted to be married. Our desire to be married was far higher than wanting a wedding at all. I didnt really care about a huge wedding, tons of guests, an extravagant venue and a million flowers. None of that. I just wanted to be married. We just wanted to be married. There are people who hadn't been around in forever that popped up wanting invites. There were also people who wanted to celebrate you but only if they were apart of everything. Then we had those who just were happy for us and wanted to fit in where we allowed (my favorite kind of people by the way). Also the vendors are another level of " the people". As soon as we announced the engagement on Social Media the vendor floodgates opened! From caterers, djs,mua's, hair stylists, event coordinators, photgraphers, and the list goes on, all filled both of our inboxes. Even after we expressed we wanted something super small, nothing big, still people were persistent. Some had super expensive services, pricing over what we wanted to spend TOTAL. Im a business owner myself so I definitely get promoting yourself. My issue was the multiple Dms. That became a bit much. I, honestly, up until the day of the wedding was ok if my hubby would have said "Lets go elope". I was over it ALL! The wedding and everything with it played a big part in my stress and being overwhelmed. But the day was absolutely perfect. More than I could have ever imagined. We did it our way. I felt like a princess. I got to marry my best friend. Best day Ever. Had I fallen into what everyone else wanted, I probably would have regretted it. *Kool 6ix Tip* Do not let people dictate your life (decisions.wedding.day.week.NOTHING!) People will throw out all of the suggestions about your life and what you NEED to do, leaving you with the consequences , responsibility or whatever. We did things our way, within the budget we wanted to spend and we couldnt have been happier with the outcome. Although people can be overwhelming, they mostly dont mean any harm. They also don't know that you are receiving so much from every angle. Then there are those who dont care and will try to make things about them. One of the biggest things i took away from 2018 and utilized in this situation was saying no. Saying no to people, places and things that stress you out and saying yes to your to do list, your ideas, things that you need to do for you to be good. Self care. It's so important. Being in tuned with yourself and what your needs are is so crucial. Its so easy to get lost in your own negative thoughts, hectic schedules, people's expectations and demands. All kinds of things can cause you to neglect yourself. Say " no" to what you have to. Enforce those boundaries so you can have a personal space to figure it all out. Be SELFISH about yourself. Its super important that you take time for you. Whatever that means for you. Which is what I did! I needed to recharge for sure. Without going into too much detail, it's been alot. But I'm back!! And I have so much to talk about and share. I've included a few pics of me and my hubby from our big day. Enjoy!
"New Year, New Me.” I said the words out loud for what felt like the hundredth time, but the truth was it was ten days into the New Year and I’d brought the same foolishness into 2014 with me. I’d brought the same foolishness into the last three New Years with me if I was being honest with myself. Three years and three months into my marriage, I was 6 months pregnant and we were expecting our second child together. (My third, my first being from a previous relationship.) From the outside looking in you would think we had it all together. We were married, had beautiful children, financially stable, a nice home and even traveled. On the surface things seemed perfect but there was a problem... Instead of picking out baby names and painting the nursery I was sitting on the edge of the toilet contemplating suicide. Behind the perfect façade of a marriage was a husband that couldn’t keep his vows. For years I turned a blind eye to his cheating and when it was so obvious I had to address it, he would apologize and I would forgive him. This time was different. Maybe it was the hormones, maybe it was the weight of constantly being the bigger woman...I don’t know...but I was tired and broken. Exhausted. Desperate Overwhelmed. I’ve always had friends and been someone people could talk to but who do you talk to when you have to pretend? Everyone thought I was okay, everyone thought I was tough, but deep down inside it was breaking me and wearing the mask wasn’t something I was sure I could do anymore. How much I would have given just to have someone stop by and look into my eyes and know everything wasn’t okay, that could have saved my sanity. I never understood “check on your strong friends” until you’re the strong friend and no one is checking on you. Tired of the pain and the lies and even with all he put me through, even with all I sacrificed and forgave...he was the one that decided he needed space. A grown man responsible for two children and a pregnant wife moved back in with his mother because “He needed space.” As if that wasn’t enough to break me, I had to find out that not only was he cheating but he was cheating with someone I considered a friend. She was our co-worker, we all worked together, and it wouldn’t have been okay if it was a woman I didn’t know but the fact that it was a woman I knew took me beyond suicidal thoughts and depression. It took me to homicidal thoughts. I thought about killing her. I dreamed about it. For a week straight the dreams were so vivid I worried what would happen if I saw her. Not eating and not sleeping were making me delirious, I was the walking dead but I wasn’t going to be the only person that lost their life. The only reason I would spare him and not kill them both is because I wanted my children to at least have one parent. Those thoughts faded but they were there and that is what scared me. We watch shows like Love and Hip Hop and you see these women sleeping with the same men and going back and forth and it doesn’t feel real because it’s only an hour and there’s background music. When it goes off, our lives go on but what happens when there’s no commercial breaks or ending credits? You’re left to think about all the times she smiled in your face or listened to you talk about the same man she was screwing and the family that was being destroyed. On a quest to getting better I read my bible and prayed A LOT. Prayed until my knees were sore and my tears could no longer fall. I meditated and wrote down my feelings, trying to do all I could to escape what was going on. Only to still be left with my thoughts. Most of this took place in my closet because even though I knew my children were young, I didn’t want them feeling the energy I was putting out. If I’m being honest, nothing was working. Nothing! The depression I was in was taking me deeper into the hole than I’d ever been before. The part of depression when it comes to women, especially black women that we never talk about is that we don’t get to get better. I couldn’t afford to lie in my bed under my covers and forget the world existed. I had young children that depended on me to survive. I also had bills that needed to be paid. Putting my two year old to sleep I walked in the bathroom, knowing I needed to eat but not being able to, looking in the mirror I wondered what I’d done to deserve all of this? My phone was full of text from co-workers and friends telling me about the affair. Texts where they both lied to me like I was a fool. Where they tried to make me seem crazy even though they weren’t even trying to hide it. My entire life I thought suicide was a selfish act, you may feel like you’re doing the world a favor but in the end you’re just leaving behind a mess for someone else to clean up. My children, my unborn child, leaving all them behind because I’m feeling like there’s no way out. Suicide is selfish. But when you’re in a dark place, all you hear and feel is the pain and when nothing else works, you just want the pain to stop. That’s suicide. I opened the medicine cabinet and took out the pain pills from my last child birth, I held the bottle in my hand shaking and crying knowing I couldn’t take it anymore. That’s when I felt it. That’s when I felt him kick and move for the first time and immediately my heart fluttered I slammed the pill bottle in the bathroom sink before falling to the floor crying. “I’m sorry baby! I’m so sorry!” I said to my unborn son as I rubbed my stomach and lay on the bathroom floor. “I was a good wife! A good mother! Why God why is this happening to me? Why are you putting me through these tests?” I cried out to him wanting an answer because for the life of me I couldn’t understand. It was at that moment my two year old reached her hands under the door, it was too tall for her to reach so whenever I was in the bathroom it was her way of trying to get in. And like he was speaking to me to let his sister in and get it together I felt my son kick again and I knew I had to be strong for them, I had to overcome for them. I pushed the thoughts of suicide out my head and held my babies on the bathroom floor. That time in my life opened my eyes. It showed me that I was stronger than I would have ever imagined .I am bigger than depression...Life can really suck at times but you cant let circumstances allow you to lose yourself. I also learned that you cant let how people treat you affect you in such a way that you want to harm yourself or others. I was in a dark space that I will never visit again. My life is important. Life is important. How I'm treated doesn’t define me! If it wasn’t for those dark days, I’m not sure I would be here today. Maybe I wouldn’t be dead but I know I wouldn’t be this version of myself.